How To Talk To Your Man!

Lambs, it's time we had a little talk. You see, Darlings, I was watching Animal Planet, and these hairy, massive musk oxen were bashing each other's brains in for no apparent reason, and I naturally thought of men, and how odd they are. Wealthy, and simple, but odd. So I thought I would swoop in and try to help you navigate the confusing business of talking to your man! See, Lambs? Everything I do is for you! No matter how exhausting!

Let's get started! Oh, I'm so excited! I feel like Marlon Perkins, except with breasts!

First of all, Darlings, there are only four phrases that a man will actually hear. They are:

"I'm pregnant."

"Dinner's ready."

"Let's have a threesome."

and, "I promised my mother we would visit her on Sunday."

Two of these will send any man into an instant panic. A third should, but doesn't.

Now then, moving right along, let's talk about lies that men like to tell! Here are some common lies:

"I know how to fix that."

"That girl meant nothing to me."

"Of course I value your opinion."

and, "Sorry, baby. This has never happened before!"

Honey... he doesn't, she does, oh please, and yes it has. When they lie, their eyes get big and innocent, and they spread their hands as if they are expecting lift-off. This display is hard-wired into their brains, they can't help themselves. But don't you be fooled!

You know, Darlings, if men didn't take up so terribly much space, I would build a big maze and drop them into it. There would be hidden microphones, and every time a man said something like, "Honey, you need to lose a few pounds" or "That's not the way my mother does it" he would receive an electric shock. On the other hand, if he says something like "Why don't you let me buy you the more expensive one" or "Let me give you a foot massage", a window would slide open and he would receive a plate of chili cheesy fries as a reward. And remember, a man would never find his way out of the maze. Oh Cherubs, sometimes my own brilliance amazes me!

One last thing before I have to rush off for mah jong...if Mom calls on Wednesday to cancel the Sunday get together, there is certainly no need to tell your man that. Wait until late Sunday morning. Wait until the terror in his eyes almost moves you to pity. Almost. If you like, you can even let it drop that you and Mom plan to take everyone shopping. Then, at the very last moment, purr into his ear, "Honey, why don't you just go to the ballgame with your buddies instead? I'll take mom shopping by myself." Then watch the terror give way to abject worship. Later, when you really want something from him, you can remind him of your kindness! Remember what I've always told you; make them pay and pay and pay and pay!

We should have these little chats more often! I feel warm and fuzzy, like a tribble! Captain Kirk to the bridge...I've got plans for you!

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